Making the Most of a Disappointing Situation Part 3

hope deferred is still hope

Rather than offer platitudes about hypothetical disappointing situations, I thought it would probably be more helpful to speak candidly from my own dark well of deep hurt. It’s a place that I rarely shine light upon, especially in public. At times, I love the whir of society and the many involvements that inhabit our daily agendas. However, when it comes to connecting on these deep levels of personal pain, it can be hard to find a safe space amongst the busyness. We need a place where we can be real. So instead of giving you a shined up version of myself, here’s a recount of my biggest life disappointment, raw and un-prettied.

The dream before the fall

Have you ever felt like you were literally born to do something?

For me..
It was to be a Mom.

I’ve known this since I started babysitting at the age of 10. I LOVED children and everything that came with caring for them. Admittedly, I had a few mishaps (the worst of which was when a one year old ran off after putting her poopie diaper on her head), but all I could dream about was having my own family. For me, motherhood was not just an option, it was a calling.

After college, I hoped to find my dream husband and have 4 (or so) kids! I would have dropped everything to be a stay-at-home mom given the right financial circumstances. For better or for worse, I didn’t care nearly as much about my career as I did about having a family.

The cycle of reframing hope

After a devastating breakup with a long term boyfriend in my 20s, I was quickly faced with the fact that the plans I held for my future were fallible. It was the first of many setbacks that were to come. I learned that life can not always be bridled. Still, I continued to repeatedly reframe hope.

Within the decades of my adult years, there have been many disappointments in this regard.

A series of long-term dating relationships, along with an engagement, all devastatingly did not work out. Each caused me to pray harder, even desperately, as the years wore on.

A series of health problems resulted in my inability to survive a potential pregnancy. After grieving the fact that I would never have a biological child, I got very excited about the idea of adoption. I kept praying.

A little while after marrying my husband Dave, we excitedly started the adoption process. Soon into it, I got too sick to continue. In hope, we decided that as soon as I got well, we would still adopt. We prayed expectantly.

It’s been over 7 years since then, and I’m still not well enough to adopt. With every ensuing year, we grieved our unfulfilled dream and amended the age of the child(ren) we’d hoped to adopt. Still, we prayed and held on to that increasingly thinner thread of hope.

The eclipse of the sun

At the newly won age of 51, I can see this dream eclipsing.

Why God?

I have had a bad case of baby fever for the past 25+ years. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the searing ache within me. Every time I cross paths with a child, whether in person or through a form of media, I am reawakened with a jolt to this unfulfilled dream. It has happened multiple times per day, for decades.

Many have encouragingly reminded me that, as a teacher, I actually have thousands of kids. I very much appreciate this consolation, however it just can’t take away this gnawing pain. I have longed for my own family.. to hold my newborn, to celebrate firsts, to gaze upon my sleeping child, to hear laughter in the yard, to wipe away tears, to create holiday traditions in our home, to hear the roaring of hairdryers in the bathroom, to bear up under the trials of the teen years, to pass down recipes, to survive the hard times together, to witness with wonder the blossoming of passions, to put down roots.

The light in my eyes is fading.
What about all those prayers I prayed?

Unanswered Prayers

I never thought I would say this, but I can unreservedly declare that these unanswered prayers have actually been some of my biggest blessings. It doesn’t at all take away my heartache, but it does help me to believe that there is a bigger picture.

For years upon years I prayed every day for a husband. Getting married at the age of 42 was not at all what I had hoped. However, my husband Dave has so far surpassed every one of my dreams.. for him, I would have waited even longer.

Those 4 children that I wanted? Polycystic Liver Disease, the most prominent of the many diseases that I deal with, is exacerbated by estrogen. Most patients don’t present with a serious case until after having born children because of the higher estrogen levels during pregnancy. Since my disease progressed so severely on its own, the surmise is that I likely wouldn’t have survived 4 pregnancies. If I had, I surely would not have been able to care for my children.

I’m not saying that this usurps the pain of my disappointment. Nor am I saying that everything in life is always good. There are certain tragedies that we could never, ever tie up neatly with a bow.

What I am saying, however, is that there is often more to the story than what I can see. And… that God really does hear my prayers.

Hope deferred is still hope

So then, are we to be okay with grave disappointments such as these?

Truthfully?

I’m not okay with it.
I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with this one.

At the same time, I can’t let it paralyze me nor blind me from seeing every other good thing around me.

Those thousands of students?
They are my life’s treasure. Each and every one of them has impacted my life profoundly and uniquely. When I stop to realize that I would have never met any of them if I had been a young stay-at-home mom, I suddenly realize that there would be a vast void within me as a result.

Had my path unfolded differently, I’d also never be writing this blog. Nor would I know most of YOU. These are the times when I realize that rewriting my story could be more hazardous than anticipated.

Unfortunately, disappointments will probably come, especially because we can’t bridle everything in life. However, there is a certain exhilaration in an unbridled journey. Sometimes the treasures along the way will surprise you, and there is always something new around the next corner.

MY secret hope

My health longevity is now solid, and there is a decent chance that my symptoms can finally be managed. So, if I do start to finally feel well, Dave and I are secretly hoping to adopt an older teen or maybe even an adult who has aged out of the foster system. We are hoping that there is a match for us amongst the older children out there who have had their hopes dashed for as long as we have. Maybe this will be another one of those stories that is better than the one I could have written for myself.

As evidenced quite literally and scientifically yesterday…

Even when there is a total solar eclipse,
The sun is actually still shining.

With love and hope,
Sas

PS..  My heart feels quite raw after writing this post. So if you’d care to share something in the comments, I’ll be glad to accompany you in this space of vulnerability.

PPS.. If you’d like to know why this blog got started, please check this post. If you haven’t yet said hello on my About Me page, please do! I’d love to know that you stopped by.

42 thoughts on “Making the Most of a Disappointing Situation Part 3

  1. Hi Sase,
    Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability. You have a beautiful gift of encouragement and such an inspiring perspective on life. I accidentally stumbled across this site, but I am looking forward to reading more of your blog!

    God Bless you, as you continue to bless those around you.

    Pip

    • Oh Pip.. what a wonderful comment to wake up to. I can’t thank you enough for vision my blog and for reaching out. What a blessing you are to me!

      I can see and feel your beauty radiating from your words. I’d love to connect and support you in any way that I can. Due to treatments, I’m on hiatus for my blog, but I am stil on most social media platforms if you’re so inclined (Lori Sase Bechok).

      Have a beautiful day.. and God bless you too.

  2. An anecdote of hope: One of my dear friends after years as a foster mom, mostly to teenaged boys, got the overwhelming desire to have a forever child or children. Her heart was broken more than once when potential adoptions fell through. She searched around the country, finally finding Shain in another state. He was 13 and had a severely mentally ill brother. The social service policy of keeping siblings together had prevented him from finding a forever home. The miracle she needed was for the authorities to allow them to just adopt Shain – who was afraid of his brother. She was in her 50s, and her husband retired or close to it when they were able to bring their son home. The three of them are a family now, with Shain embraced also by my friend’s stepchildren. Shain is, remarkably, seemingly undamaged by his years in foster care. He’s now a senior in high school. He is involved in drama, plays the guitar, was on the football team, has a girlfriend, wants to be a chef, gentled a horse (they have a horse farm), and loves his parents. The empty space in my friend’s heart is now filled.

    When your health improves enough, I have to believe that you’ll find your child/children, especially if you’re willing to adopt a sibling group.
    Sending light and love,
    Trish

    • Oh Trish, I am so taken by this story. Thank you so, so much for sharing your friend’s journey with me. Shaun must be e a very, very special young man, and it sounds like their family was truly meant to be together.

      Sibling groups can break my heart, especially if they all want so deeply to stay together. I can’t imagine ever wanting to separate from my own sister if we were in that situation. If my health ever permits, Dave and I would be so honored to take in a sibling group.

      Trish, you are such a stunning soul. Your words of encouragement, your wonderful perspectives, your love for humankind, your striking generosity, your nuanced understanding, and so much more never fail to grow my heart deeper. I am so awestruck over the beauty that is you.

      I so hope that your symptoms and side effects are sorting out. I think about you so very often. Sending you so much love, my friend. xxxxo

  3. Sas,
    Wow! It’s going to take me a bit to process the honesty of your post. Also, recently 51, I leave my childbearing years behind. I can’t say that as a kid, I dreamed of being a mom. Yet, as I grew in my Christian faith, God revealed a true gift I have with children. People would constantly say, “You are going to be a great mom!” As an adult, I did dream of giving birth, holding my infant, breast-feeding my child, watching the personality form, appreciating my child as an individual, nurturing strengths, facing weaknesses, being real, being honest, loving even when it’s hard. I’ve considered adoption, but my heart has never taken flight under these thoughts. I still tutor, and I love my students like my own children. God has given me peace without children. There is still sadness, yet peace.
    Like you, Sas, as you know, I married late. I married at 45 and feel that the wait was totally worth it. I would’ve even waited longer for Gary. God has blessed me with a thoughtful, tenderhearted, devoted man. Yet, disappointments continue to come. Four weeks ago, Gary was diagnosed with a form of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma called Mantle Cell Lymphoma. Stage 3 & he’s young. There is so much help yet so much to face in the next 10 to 11 months. I’ve thought of you often, as I’ve considered writing a blog of my own pain. You are a great inspiration, Lori. I love you dearly. You might hear from me again soon to ask you about your blog. Until then, may the Lord continue to shine His face upon you !
    Annie

    • My sweet Annie.. I am so, so very grateful whenever we have a chance to connect. I remember falling in love with who you way back during my rush days at UCLA. There was something so extraordinary about your spirit, and whether you were going through a tough time or not, it was so undeniably evident. I’ve probably told you this before, but even though we didn’t really know each other too well at the time, I was completely heartbroken when you transferred schools (though I completely understand why). As God would have it, and to my immense surprise, He somehow forged a path for our friendship. You will always be one of my miracles. I continue to thank God endlessly for you, my lovely.

      Oh Annie, what I really want to do right now is give you a gigantic hug.. and sit next to you, and pray together. I see your faith shining forth like a beautiful beacon of light. I know that God has repeatedly brought stunning beauty from the very uninvited ashes in your life, while at the same time I can only imagine just how much His heart aches over the pains of this world that have crossed your path. My heart aches so much over this too.

      Please give Gary all the love in the world from Dave and me. My dad actually had Mantle Zone Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma too. However, his case was very advanced, his kidneys weren’t strong because of his kidney disease, he was a lot older, and the research wasn’t nearly what it is now. I’m so grateful that Gary’s situation is completely different. Still, as you say, the road to the other side can be hard. I know how unbelievably loved you guys are, so I’m sure you have an army of support. Just know that I’m also someone who loves you beyond what I can express. I’m right here when you can think of anything in the world that I can do. i’ll check in with you too.

      If you decide to start a blog, it would be an unimaginable gift. Anything that resonates from the faith and soul of YOU would undoubtedly mpact people so deeply and indelibly. I’m here if i can help in that regard too.

      I’ll be praying for you guys, and iff you ever want to talk or Skype about anything, just say the word.

      I love you so, so, so much, Annie.

      oh and ps.. you are sheer magic with children.. actually, with anyone of any age. Your true spirit and your deep, authentic heart are so stunningly life-changing for anyone fortunate enough to know you. <3

  4. Lori, thank you for sharing this. It is so amazing to read your perspective and to see your grace in being grateful and also still frustrated and still hopeful. This has really made me think this morning, and also cry a bit too–not just FOR you but for another I know with the same hope who is also seeing that hope fade. Your writing encourages me in so many ways—to think, to feel, to reflect on others–I am so grateful for that and for you! PPL, Wendy

    • Wendy, beautiful one.

      I have missed you so much over these years, so these words are literally like a salve to my soul. I can’t even express the feelings that came over me as I read your comment. You have always been someone whom I’ve really loved and admired. Your depth of soul and your love for life are so transforming for all of us who are fortunate enough to cross your path. Thank you so very much for visiting my blog. It truly means everything to me. PPL and mine.. always. ps.. really hope we have a pi phi reunion some time soon so that I can see you! xxo

  5. Hope differed is still hope, what a wonderful reminder. I know it’s totally biblical, I can even see the passage in my minds eye, but it’s one I often forget. What a beautiful, painful, honest story. I will be praying for that relationship to come into your life, one that heals a bit of the ache. I will be praying that you are given the opportunity to mentor, disciple, and shower love on a young person and have them become a part of your life. What you have to offer is beyond valuable, and I pray that you will SOON be able to share it. I know the Lord is all about new beginnings, second chances, and creating families. I can’t wait to read the things you will write about recording this new journey.

    • Oh Dana, thank you so, so much for visiting my blog. Your faith shines like a beacon and is so beautifully evident in all that you say and do. I can’t tell you just how much these words of truth mean to me, and your prayers could not possibly be more treasured.

      You’re so right, the gift of young people in our lives is a blessing that is literally incomprehensible. God has truly overwhelmed me with an enormous amount of kids in my life ever since I was a kid myself. Through teaching, coaching, tutoring, mentoring, discipling, Bible studies, youth groups, etc.. I have literally had the blessing of thousands of the most astounding young souls grace my life. I could not possibly be more rich.

      I’m SO excited by your new venture with Nancy. I have watched in awe as your Yourdori path has been unfolding. What a GIFT you guys are to this world. I am so beyond grateful to have met you. You inspire me so much.

    • I know we’ve corresponded so, so many times since you’ve posted this, but I just want you to know HOW much this comment means to me. Every one of your words are my treasure. Thank you for jumping in .. even when the trouble is neck deep, or deeper.. you never shrink back from going all in. Your love is one of the most stunning things this world has ever known, and God shows Himself profoundly through you. I love you so much, my sister.

  6. I’m so sorry for that horrible gnawing pain. You have the most beautiful heart of a Mom and so I am going to stand on the thin plane of hope because I know there must be an older teen/young adult who has this same total eclipse. I love you beyond words and I continue to pray hoping that the clouds and the darkness will part and that one ray of sun comes beaming forth. With all my heart… xoxo

    • In the history of the world, I could have never asked for nor imagined a better sister than you. When I look back on these years, I am so overwhelmed over the unfailing ways in which you’ve stood by my side. The prayers that you have prayed unrelentingly. The lengths to which you have gone to help me. All I can do is stand on this holy ground, and thank God endlessly for you.

      If we are blessed enough to have this child or sibling set come into our family, they will be SO overwhelmed because the auntie, uncle, and cousin that they will inherit will be the BIGGEST, most incomprehensible miracles.

      A cloud.. the size of a man’s hand. Elijah went back seven times before he even saw that. Prepare for rain, God said.

      I love you for always, Noey.

  7. You, sweet Sase, are a rare treasure. I wonder if I can love you more and then I read more of you, and I am warmed and filled with the love that describes you so well. Teaching has allowed me to touch literally thousands of lives, and I will always be grateful for those kids in my life…I fall totally in love with a few of them every single year, but there is absolutely nothing, surprisingly not even being a stepmom, that can make not having my own babies even remotely OK. I adore my husband, and every so often all I can do is have a good cry about not having his baby. Our children probably would have been red headed, fair skinned, athletic, musical, hopefully long-legged like Mark, and poor things, very furry! :) I look forward to the day when I hear that you and Dave have adopted a teen or a young adult. Wow! You two as parents? What a life changer… and one that would make a difference for generations to come. I will be celebrating with you on that happy day! Until then, I will wait with you for the sun to peak out, and for the light to shine in that area of darkness. I will pray for patience, continued healing, and an abundance of joy and peace that can only come from our Father. I love you! You know where to find me if you need me. The answer is always YES! ♡♡♡

    • Oh Gaye.. how do I even comprehend the gift of you?? Who would have known all those years ago when we were playing midnight smashball in the dorms, that we’d have each other to sort through these things with now. Your words here give me such companionship in my deepest soul. I have always, always appreciated your honest and authentic expression, along with your unfaltering faith – neither one ever at a dot of expense to the other. Your thoughts here are a beautiful rendition of a modern day psalm. Your beauty catches my breath every single time.

      I remember when we first met, I knew there was something extraordinarily special about you. I’m sure you noticed, but I loved nothing more than being in your presence. I so deeply treasure all of the memories that we have shared and the ways our paths have continued to cross.. whether UCLA, middle school math, newport, social media, or otherwise, you never fail to cause my faith to strengthen and my soul to deepen. I love you so much, Gaye.

      My answer is always YES too. <3

  8. To say that my heart breaks for you is an understatement. It seems life is a series of disappointments. Some big, some small. But you my friend have had to bear so much heartache. I was thinking today how unfair it was that Uncle Dick and Auntie Margie were taken from you and all of us much too soon. But then I realized how incredibly lucky you and Noelle are to have had them every day in your lives for the short time that you had. Two sides. It’s all about perspective I guess. That you can continue to look for meaning and see joy and beauty and hold happiness in your heart after having your heart’s desire withheld from you for so long is a testament to the essence that is you. For me, my greatest tragedy was losing the twins. A few more weeks and perhaps they would have survived. But it was not to be. What I do know is that if I had not lost the twins then I would not have the miracle that is Sydney and I would never go back and alter my life even if I had the chance. I will take the bad decisions, the tragedies and disappointments because I was given something special to make up for all that. Your time will come. I must believe that because of all the people who I know in this world there is no one who deserves their own miracle more. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I love how you write and express yourself. I’m pretty sure those reading races must have had a lot to do with it :-) I’m sure like all of us you have plenty of days where you just want to growl and snarl and shut yourself away but we never see that because your radiance always seems to overpower any negative thoughts or feelings you have. That is a rare gift that I wish I could channel. I hope you never give up hope and even though it is probably too great a burden for one woman to bear, there are so many of us who look to you to find our hope and our courage. Sending positive vibes and much love to you.

    Lianne

    P.S. Noelle – No longer the pesky little sister ;-) Instead what a beautiful, caring woman you have become with a beautiful family to match.

    P.P.S. Lori – It is your words that continue to bring me to my knees.

      • AGREED.. to everything above, Noelle. Well, not the “pesky” part. You’ve never, ever.. nor will you ever be pesky. :)

    • Liannie..

      When I look back on my life, I will always count my friendship and sisterhood with you to be a gigantic miracle – one that I still find so hard to believe. I can’t even attempt to measure the impact that you have made on me and my life. We shared such beautifully formative moments, honestly, I don’t even know who I am without you. It astounds me. I say this, because, this same sense of AWE is exactly what I feel every single time I read one of your comments. I find myself printing out your reply, taping it up where I can see iy, or taking a photo of your comment. I value your words in a way that I can’t even put into words. You somehow get at both compassion and hope in way that literally transforms who I am. It’s so hard to frame words for people who are going through hard times. Yet you do it with an IMPOSSIBLE beauty. I can’t even comprehend it, and I can’t seem to get close enough to your words. I would seriously give anything to have your day-to-day camaraderie again. You will always be my everything. Annie.

      Thank you so, so much for what you said about my mom and dad. Every time I talk about you with Dave, I describe you as the ONE who has been a lifelong, real daughter to my parents. I know you know this, but I sometimes wish I could have recorded the way they spoke of you. The love was evident in their voices in a way that was uniquely yours. You are so right. Two sides. We grieve the part that hurts because the love was THAT deep, but we also stand in overwhelm over the amazingness that was.

      Annie, most importantly.. after reading your comment, I called Noey. Somehow, we both didn’t know about your twins. I have no idea how or why we didn’t know, and we both grieve the fact that we didn’t. I ache so deeply now over what you must have gone through.. and I also ache so much over the fact that I wasn’t there. I am so touched at how you explained that every turn led you to Syd. When you said, “I will take the bad decisions, the tragedies and disappointments because I was given something special to make up for all that” .. my whole world stood still. I uphold those words of truth together with you. I always will. Your beauty literally overtakes me.

      I love you .. every single day.. always. I love you.

  9. I think that you and I are kindred spirits on this topic. Like you, I have always felt that I was supposed to have children and a family of my own. I never thought I would be in my mid-30’s and more single than anyone could ever be. In my opinion, the hardest part of this dream not being realized has been when tragedies have happened (deaths of grandparents, my nephew’s birth, etc) and I get home and there’s nobody there besides the cat. Although my cat is very comforting, it’s not the same as a person whose only concern is for you at that time. What I have come to realize is that while I’m seeing one dream fall away I begin to focus on other blessings. Thank goodness for my nephew and niece (and I need to stay on their good side because they’ll have to help take care of me when I get old), amazing friends, and the thousands of crazy teenagers that have been a part of my life. I am very thankful that I was blessed with a friend that is just as single as I am ;).
    I was talking a bit about you with a former student that we had in common and all I could say was, “She’s the person I want to be when I grow up”. I love reading your posts and each one has touched me deeply.

    • Oh Christy.. where in this whole wide world would I be without you. I agree with you.. we are kindred spirits.. on this, and in other ways too. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve missed my WHS days with you. I loved that we could often close our days together with an amazingly authentic conversation. Whether we were in the workroom, or my classroom, or walking from one place to another (perhaps trying to find a copier that wasn’t jammed :) ),.. it didn’t matter, we could always form the most amazing friendship circle. I miss those conversations so much. I do, however, hold all of our shared stories so close to my heart still. They give me buoyancy and beautiful camaraderie.

      What you shared here resonates so deeply with me. It’s funny how we often don’t even have to say much, and still our shared experiences allow us to really get the depths of one another. I so love what you said about your niece and nephew. They are so, so blessed to have YOU! In your Instagram photos, it’s so obvious that your love for each of them is building in them such a solid foundation of love and safety – not to mention fun, hilarity, sweet moments, and traditions. You are such a gift to them.. and surely, vice versa.

      I am so, so stirred by your conversation with our shared student. Whoever it was, please give him/her my love. Thank you so, so very much for visiting my blog. It means everything.

      Love you so much. xxo

      ps.. you still have plenty of time for your dream. At my age, I still feel young. I also really understand how young (in a good way) the 30s are. :)

  10. Sas, you have touched me and my life more than you will ever know. I am grateful to have been one of your students and even more blessed to call you a friend. I love you.

    • Oh Jamie. I am just sitting here in disbelief. The gift of YOU will always be one of my most soul-stirring and life-altering miracles. I so often reminisce on our various conversations, and every time I do, I feel like I can literally see your eyes looking at mine. Your eyes have revealed your unimaginably deep and beautiful soul in a way that has literally changed me. I love you more than you could ever, ever, ever know.

  11. I love you. I cannot imagine my life without you. Thank you for being part of my mom’s journey in raising me and watching me grow as a little girl into the adult I am today…you were there then and you’re here now…and I thank God for that.

    • Oh Melis. I treasure every year, every memory, every moment, every text, and every single thing that has ever connected your heart to mine. It has been the most insane privilege to watch you grow up… and now to witness with so admiration the life that you live and the ways that you love. When I look back on the unwanted twists and turns in my life, YOU are one reason that I would never dare to rewrite my story. I love you so, so, so much.

  12. Sas you continue to inspire. Despite everything you’ve dealt with, your leadership, friendship, love for others, and generosity, among other wonderful qualities, have always shined through. Keep fighting for all of your dreams. All I can say is if you decide a kid is right for your family, that will be one very lucky kid. I cherish memories of our soccer days. Your blog is amazing.

    • Oh Heather, you could have no idea just how much it means to me that you visit my blog. I have missed you so, so much over these years. You have always been someone whom I’ve admired endlessly. So as you can imagine, I hold your words so close. With all my heart, thank you for these heart-stirring words of encouragement. You have truly grabbed my heart once again. Miss you so, so much. All my love xxo and more.

    • Oh
      gosh
      Beth.

      I am so overwhelmed.

      all i can say is….

      yes.

      yes, please.

      I would love that more than you could ever, ever know.

      Love you darling. love love love you.

    • I keep writing, deleting, and rewriting.. Oh Katy, I can’t find the words to tell you just HOW much this means to me. It struck the deepest place in me. A place I didn’t even realize was there. I am still stunned over the fact that God saw it fit to put the most unbelievably beautiful soul in my very first real class. My kickoff to teaching turned into the most treasured lifelong, vitally meaningful friendship. You are my miracle, Katy. I love you more than you could ever know.

  13. I can absolutely see that you were born to be a mom and my heart aches for you. There is nothing we can say to ease that…but, you’re right in that the quality that makes you such an obvious natural mother, has made you a kind, nurturing, challenging and spirited teacher and friend to many. I truly believe God has a special surprise in store for you and I wish you the very best <3

    • Courtney, I continue to be so awestruck over the beauty that is you. If I haven’t told you a million times, God has fashioned you in such exquisitely amazing ways, and He shows Himself so profoundly through you. Having you in class will always be one of my life’s biggest blessings. Thank you so, so much for these unbelievably bolstering, encouraging, and generous words. It’s so hard to know just what to say.. words as perfect as yours could only resonate from the truest of hearts. So much love xo

  14. Wow – you so have the gift of the written word. Even your stories of tragedy bring hope. I too understand disappointments and have had a few. During my high school years I grew up in the sun, surfing and hanging at the beach, and the pool in my backyard. Always trying to be somebody I wasn’t and never really fitting in. I was heart broken by the treatment I received by some classmates, and never understood why I was treated that way. Constantly praying asking God for guidance. As I got older I began to make bad choices despite being raised in a christian home.

    The short version is 2 failed marriages ending in divorce because of domestic violence. The 3rd marriage was cheated on but stayed married. My choices reflect my very low self esteem. I to this day beat myself up and hear the unkind words I herd from the age of 14 to 45. I had health issues during this time cervical cancer, skin cancer and Fibromylgia, so during this whole time I prayed and begged God I never got the answers, and “I” felt like god was punishing me. The skin cancer has meant 3 plastic surgeries on my face, which is a blow to the self esteem department.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is God has us go thru things that we aren’t meant to understand. I have faith and hope that someday God will give me my answers. Until then I hide behind my four children and have become a hidden person form the world.

    I want to give up but I look at the four blessings from God and the wonderful people I do know like Lori.

    Lori you are such an inspiration to me, you feel me with joy and happiness when I think of you. Your spirit is a blessing to so many. My mother used to and still tells me “God doesn’t make Junk” I have to remember this daily. Don’t give up on your dream, God is a faithful and loving God. We just have to learn to think in Gods time not ours.

    I love you Sase more than you know, stay strong my angel. XOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

    • Cheryl.. my darling. My unimaginably sweet, incomprehensibly lovely, i-don’t-know-where-I’d-be-wthout-you friend. I just keep reading your words over and over. I am having such a hard time putting my words together… and my heart is overflowing, literally gushing with love and admiration for you.

      I don’t know why we didn’t get to spend more time with each other in middle school and high school. I always loved seeing you around, I just wish that I would have found a way to hang out with you. It would have been so extraordinarily good for me to have known you during those years. Your depth, your experiences, your authenticity, and so much more… I’m quite sure that your camaraderie would have been an unbelievable blessing to me. I suppose that’s one reason that my gratitude for our friendship now is so insanely immeasurable.

      I ache over the mistreatment that you received. I know that I had very painful issues at times with being one of the only Asians at school. It caused me a lot of problems in elementary school, and consequently it caused me to really doubt myself for a number of years after. I am heartbroken to know that you felt like you didn’t fit in. I would have never known, because I thought the world of you. It’s so crazy how impactful those experiences are. They leave scars so deep. It was all so uninvited. So ridiculously off point, and flat out wrong. People say things out of their own insecurities. I’m sure you know now that it had nothing to do with you. Nothing. Absolutely, nothing.

      I am so angry over the domestic violence, and the health issues you’ve been contending with grieve me so deeply. I know that you are strong beyond words, and you have a faith that stuns me in its beauty. Still, I just long for you to have a break. These hard times are so contrary to the love, true kindness, compassion, and life-altering goodness that you pour into the world. I am praying together with you for a respite and for the tide to turn. It’s high time for you to ride that big wave and feel the wind through your hair and the sun on your face.

      I so long for the day that I can be face to face with you. I also really, really want to meet your beautiful kids. Let me know if you ever want to talk. I just love you .. truly, with all that I am, I love you. God not only does not make junk… but He makes the most gorgeous treasures. You, my love, are striking evidence of that.

  15. Oh, Lori, what you have shared has brought me to tears of pride for knowing you and Dave. I have no advice only a deep love and appreciation for what I learn from you. Please know that I love you so much!!!! Linda C.

    • Every day of your entire life has always served as living advice for me. I could never have imagined a greater, more loving, more soulful, or more faith-filled mentor, friend, or second mom. I love you so, so, so much. xxo

  16. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
    Thank you for sharing such a REAL and honest and raw post. I didn’t know – didn’t ever ask – although now it all fits together and makes sense. I wish I had a magic wand to make you feel better and a crystal ball to see what is in your future – but we all just wait for the darkness to pass and for the sun to come out again eventually. Thank you for sharing – and for always being 100% you. Love you Lori
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    • Your words never, ever fail to give me an unbelievable amount of bolstering. You exude love in a way that is literally transforming – and continually so. Honestly, when I look back on this journey, my gratitude will be as gigantic as the grand canyon. Bigger, actually. Thank you so much for your unmatched compassion and positivity. Your willingness to step right into people’s hardship and stay in it with them are life saving gifts. Love you so much, Roomie.

  17. So beautifully written, so bravely shared. Thank you.
    A light-hearted example of God giving you more when you let go – I had a hummingbird feeder outside my window at the house I had to leave unexpectedly due to financial issues. I loved watching my feathered friends fight over the feeder each evening. I had one at my new home too but the birds would never feed from it. My neighbor bought a beautiful feeder and lo and behold, the birds flocked to hers! I was resentful. If i was still at my old house, I would still have the delight of watching the birds zoom around in front of me! Several years later (and just recently) the thought came to put the feeder on the other side of the house – right in front of the window where I sit several hours a day. The birds love the location because it is surrounded by bushes so they are safe to sit and rest – and I have the joy of seeing every detail of their beauty – and their antics to boot! If I open the window, I can almost touch them. God reminds me often that if I hadn’t given up what I thought I wanted, He could not have blessed me more than I could have imagined. God is good and always wants to give us the best. That will be true for you as well Sase.

    • Oh Nareece, your beauty continues to stun me. I LOVE this beautiful lesson about letting go. It could have so easily been missed had you not inclined your ear to God’s nudging. It must be the most exhilarating, while also tenderhearted, feeling to watch your little birds every morning. So few ever have such an up-close view of nature in such glory. It must be a daily reminder of God’s intimate and goodness. Thank you so, so very much for sharing this. I will tuck it in my heart and remember God’s goodness and love. Your encouragement and fellowship mean everything to me. When I finally get to see you, you’re gonna get the most gigantic hug ever. :)

Leave a Reply

Newsletter

Since my health issues prevent me from posting regularly, I'd love to send you a notification of new posts. This newsletter also has a few extra thoughts from yours truly. If interested, please enter your information below, then check your inbox for an email to confirm the subscription. My truest thanks, Sase

This information will never be shared for third part

Newsletter

Since my health issues prevent me from posting regularly, I'd love to send you a notification of new posts. This newsletter also has a few extra thoughts from yours truly. If interested, please enter your information below, then check your inbox for an email to confirm the subscription. My truest thanks, Sase

This information will never be shared for third part